I was looking through some hand me down books my grandfather or great grandfather gave me when I stumbled upon an old Audubon Field guide for North American Birds. This got me thinking: there should be a field guide for humans. Being a redhead, I knew where I should start.
National Audubon Society Field Guide to Redheaded Humans: North American Region
Homo Sunburnus
Height - 2'6" to 6'8"
The height of a Homo Sunburnus is subject mainly to its activities. The shortest of the Homo Sunburnus tend to hide pots of gold at the end of rainbows, wear hats with belt-buckles on the front, and endorse sugary cereal. The mid-range height Homo Sunburnus are most common. Any Homo Sunburnus that stands above 5'9" is unfairly tall and should be chopped in half.
Weight - 40lbs to 400lbs
Weight generally directly correlates with height among Homo Sunburnus except for those within the species that play World of Warcraft. These individuals have the density of a dying sun and can weigh up to four times more than a healthy specimen of a similar height.
Natural Habitat - Indoors
Homo Sunburnus has a unique affliction such that it ignites at the slightest contact with direct sunlight. Some especially sensitive individuals have been known to suffer 2nd degree burns from simply watching an hour TV special on the Serengeti during "Big Cat Week" on the Discovery Channel.
Call - Varies
Some members of the species, especially the aforementioned cereal-peddling kind, have a distinctive "OOH LADDY, THEY'RE AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS!" call which makes you want to commit immediate violence against them. Generally, however, the Homo Sunburnus is a quiet species whose only discernable call is the occasional shower cry, which bears a strong resemblance to desperate weeping into a wash cloth.
Diet
Sleeping pills and Alcohol
Sleeping pills and Alcohol
Markings
The Homo Sunburnus's appearance is often mottled with dark marks called "freckles," which gives a perpetually dirty appearance.
Sleep Cycle
The sleep cycle of the Homo Sunburnus depends directly upon if the sleeping pills or the excessive alcohol makes them pass out first.
Traits and Behavior
The North American Redhead, also colloquially known as "The Ginger," is a rare and unfortunate beast. Over the years, The Ginger has become a dumping ground for ineffectual genes, cast off by more worthy editions of the human race. The Ginger, and especially the North American Ginger, faces social ridicule from its peers for a multitude of worthy reasons, paramount of these being The Ginger's peculiar appearance. The Ginger suffers from an unsightly tuft of reddish/auburn hair on the top of its head which can vary from tight curls to a straight mop.
Gingers, like many other unsightly monstrosities, fear mirrors, still lakes, car windows, and any other reflective surface that might remind it of its deformities.
Also, it is commonly known that The Ginger is technically not a human, but rather a flightless bird, and should be hunted as such. It is estimated that within the next hundred years, Ginger pelts will be very profitable in underground trade markets. The Ginger also has cloven hooves which many members of the species disguise by the clever use of high ankled boots or prosthetics.
Finally, unconfirmed but suspected by many, the The Ginger breathes Carbon Dioxide, unlike all the other races of human, which sustain themselves solely upon Oxygen. Gingers are secretly very proud of this, which is why they so closely associate themselves with the color green. Saint Patrick's Day is a good example of this phenomenon. Gingers fancy that someday they will be plants, which is why they all drink until they're vegetables.
Ultimately, however, The Ginger is an unpredictable creature which should be treated with the utmost caution. If you should encounter one of these Gingers, curl into a ball and pretend that you are dead. Otherwise, they will feel inferior and begin to cry.
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My name is Patrick, and I am a Ginger.
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