Recently I've come to terms with the fact that I will never be a Cool Person. As hard as this might be to accept, the reasons for such a conclusion are quite obvious.
1 - Cool People get Tattoos
It's not that I have any moral opposition to tattoos. I mean, there are some like face or full back tattoos that seem like nothing more than tangible examples of regret, but there are some types that I think look cool. For instance, sometimes when I need to remember something, but I don't have any paper, I write on my wrist with a pen. Then for the rest of the day I find myself glancing at the pen mark and thinking "Hey, that would be a cool place for a tattoo. What would I put there?"
That's where my tattoo train of thought starts derailing- "What would I put there?"
I can't do numbers, because then people will think I'm a fugitive from Guantanamo.
I wouldn't want to do a picture, because that would hurt too much.
Maybe I could do a word or two, that might look alright. I've seen other people tattoo a few words that describe them on their wrist like "Relentless" or "Unstoppable." So what could I put? What describes me?
"Defensive Driver?"
"Good Listener?"
"Mildly Afraid of Spiders?"
Screw it, maybe I'm just not a tattoo person.
2 - Cool people don't sing to stuffed animals
No cool person would ever sing "My Heart Will Go On" to a stuffed Koala that's wearing tuxedo at 4:30 in the morning. Sixteen was not a good year for me (and things haven't gotten much better since then).
3 - Cool People use Twitter/MySpace/Facebook
I've been totally left behind on this one.
My only friend on MySpace was some "Tom" guy and I never cared enough to find anyone else who I actually was friends with in reality.
Facebook became popular just as I was entering college so it was kind of cool to watch it evolve into the self-defeating and user-alienating product that it is today.
Finally, there's Twitter (and to some extent, the "Status" field in Facebook) which lets you chronicle your day 140 characters at a time. What significant thought could be broadcast in 140 characters that anyone would want to read? Who cares how big your poop was or what color hair you found in your Chicken Teriyaki footlong from Subway? Who cares? And yet somehow people can write "Ayyo sum1 lukin to partay 2nite? Im tryna git smashhhdddddddddd" and get positive reactions.
Conversation 15 years from now:
"How did you and your husband meet?"
"Oh, I was randomly searching through Twitter and I found a stranger who 'Needz dat sweet luvin' and he just seemed so cute and charming that I couldn't say no!"
3.5 - Cool People Hang out with other Cool People
This only counts as a half because I just accidentally did this once. I was waiting at a bus stop with some hip looking guys with skinny jeans and highlights when a gaggle of girls walked by and said hello. One of the girls made eye contact with me and smiled which was very surprising. I accidentally snorted the Diet Dr. Pepper that I was drinking up into my nose and then cough-puked it down the front of my Smokey the Bear t-shirt. The guys decided to walk instead of wait for the bus and the girls went with them.
4.5 - I'm Indoorsy
Indoorsy is the opposite of outdoorsy. The only reason you'll find me outdoors is if I'm on my way to more indoors.
6.5 - Cool People can smoke a cigarette without coughing like a 30 year old pickup truck trying to downshift on a turnpike.
7.5 - Cool People can read an analog clock
This is a skill that I tried so hard to learn. To this day, whenever anyone asks me "What time is it?" and all I have to work with is an analog clock, I just pretend I suddenly can't speak English and hurriedly lurch away to save myself the embarrassment of saying "DURR! I DUNNO ONLY HAVE ANALOG! HURRRRR!"
But I CAN read this kind of clock:
8.5 - Cool People defy authority
Cool people aren't afraid to climb watertowers or shoplift or commit other petty crimes like arson. My fear of authority is bordering on respectful phobia. Whenever I break or even bend the rules, my conscience puts on a tiny red WWE wrestling onesie and then puts my brain in a sleeper hold until I confess.
I even have a poster of the band "The Police" in my room. I never make eye contact with Sting, though. I know he's not a real police officer, but I just like to be safe.
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I'm not cool!
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