Board Games Would Not Make Good Stripper Names

A stripper name is like an author's pen name.  You want the name you choose to appeal to your demographic.  That's why strippers always have names like "Scarlet" or "Cristal" or "Sierra."  They pick these names because they sound mysterious and alluring.  I was recently thinking that board games probably would not achieve this desired result.  Here is my analysis:

  - Risk
This isn't a very sexy name.  In fact, this implies that there is some sort of inherent danger in being around this particular stipper.  You'd probably want to keep a wide berth around her pole and wear a cup for lap dances.  Whatever you do, don't follow her to the champagne room.  That would be...risky.

  - Sorry!
Risk implies something might go wrong, "sorry" is what someone says after something goes wrong.  You can pretty much be sure that this girl will do something to apologize for, whether it's losing her wig into your dinner or getting so dizzy spinning around in front of you that she pukes daiquiri into your lap.

  - Uno
I realize that this isn't a board game, but it still deserves mention, I think.  Strippers generally should have things in pairs.  Uno means one.  I'm not particularly into the whole cycloob thing, but I'm sure there's a niche that would enjoy it.

  - Jenga
Eventually she's going to fall down and snap her ankles on her 8 inch pumps.  Don't be the guy trying to put your peg in when it happens.

  - Hungry Hungry Hippos
This is such a throughoughly bad name, presumably for a team of women.  Their shift meal probably didn't fill them up, so play it safe and keep your little white balls away from them.

  - Checkers
This makes me think of a woman who looks like a checker board.  Be it measles, shingles, boils, or just good old fashion chicken pox, I want this girl the hell away from me.

  - Chinese Checkers
Replace boils with Avian Flu?  Even though I'm excited by the idea that this game can accomodate up to six players, I still don't want to chance you coughing into my mouth.  Don't cough on me!  Like a Vampire!  Cough into your elbow, like a Vampire!

  - Guess Who?
Um... does your person have a lower back tattoo?
Yes.  Does your person have low self-esteem?
Sure does.  Okay, does your person have daddy issues?
Uh, huh.  Does your person have fake boobs?
Yes...Hmm, I still haven't eliminated anyone.
Me either.

  - Community Chest
This isn't the title of a board game, but it IS a stack of cards in Monopoly.  Also, it is a strikingly accurate description of a stripper's set of boobs.  If I'm at a stripclub, though, I don't want to be reminded about how this girl caters to a neighborhood of gentlemen.

  - Life
If you've played the board game "Life", you know that it isn't fair.  One person gets a huge salary and an awesome house and rolls perfectly and gets to retire in luxury while the rest of the players get stuck floundering in the lucky one's wake.  This woman is in the wake.  She's dancing around in leathery skin, bleach-blasted hair, and a keyloid c-section scar winding up her midsection like ET's finger.  Ouuuuuchh.

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That might have ended up a little meaner than I had intended it.  I'm willing to make it up to any strippers by letting them give me a dance for free.  Leave a comment if you're interested.